There is an animated video on Facebook of a couple that grow old together. Their life is full of hardships yet they maintain their love and find happiness in little things. At least that's what I think the video is trying to communicate. Lots of people have liked it and I can understand how people can see beauty in it.
I really struggled to watch it to the end. I feel like seeing something so sad - to someone else it might just seem melancholic or even romantic! - could make me fall apart in an instant because I feel that pain. My heart literally aches for cartoon characters! Go figure..
It's easier not to go touching a scar that still hurts. It doesn't even have to be exactly the same feeling or experience that I've had. It's like as if I have in a way become super sensitive to all sorts of sadness and pain that I see. Call me a fool, but I prefer watching silly happy things with happy endings that lift me up or at least lull me into a soft fluffy happy feeling, cos the other kind of feelings are too hard and they scare me. A little "ping" of a spoon at the edge of a fine crystal glass and it might well shatter.
Better not go reading the news in these days.. that will just bring me down.
Thursday, 24 July 2014
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
What's wrong with being lucky?
No excuses. I very rarely post anything here these days. I seem to be too tired, there is very little going on in my brain apart from concentrating on the next exam that is coming up. Ok, excuses but you decide if they are any good.
It's been a couple of weeks since the last exam (for) now and I think my brain is slowly starting to work again. Lots of random stuff is going on in my head; "I should look for a new job. What sort of job should I look for? Should I just not look for a new job for now and stick with it until uni is at a different point? I need to look for a place that will take me for a tirocinio. Must remember to buy litter for the bunny toilet before the pet shop closes for holidays..." Many many not-very-interesting thoughts.
Today I also had something slightly more interesting pop into my head: why is it so hard to admit that sometimes you need luck? A while ago I happened to meet the parents of a dear old friend who has managed to do very well in life so far (Yay! Couldn't be happier for her! And I really truly mean it). Her parents noted this too and said it was down to her guts (true) and her fearless attitude to jump in and try (also definitely true), but when I mentioned she has also been lucky to meet the right people at the right time and of course has had the balls to then grab the opportunities and run with them, they looked at me a bit funny. I didn't actually say that she had balls.. They seemed to think that luck had very little to do with it.
I didn't make much of it at the time, just felt confused as to why it seemed I had said something wrong. We all need a bit of luck. You can try as hard as you want, take all the right courses, read all the right books, but no one guarantees that you will get that break you deserve. Sometimes things just don't work out that way. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't get it all just right, cos that's life. Sometimes you have to make do with what you have, what you've managed to achieve and what you have been given, and run with that. It might in the end work out better than you expected, or it might not. Not all of us will become rich and happy and have beautiful homes and perfect children. Some of us lose jobs, lose family members, lose limbs.. And no matter how hard you try not everything is under your control.
To me, in this moment when the world seems to have gone completely insane, it gives some sort of strange relief thinking that I simply can't keep everything under control and that I'd better learn to live with it.
It's been a couple of weeks since the last exam (for) now and I think my brain is slowly starting to work again. Lots of random stuff is going on in my head; "I should look for a new job. What sort of job should I look for? Should I just not look for a new job for now and stick with it until uni is at a different point? I need to look for a place that will take me for a tirocinio. Must remember to buy litter for the bunny toilet before the pet shop closes for holidays..." Many many not-very-interesting thoughts.
Today I also had something slightly more interesting pop into my head: why is it so hard to admit that sometimes you need luck? A while ago I happened to meet the parents of a dear old friend who has managed to do very well in life so far (Yay! Couldn't be happier for her! And I really truly mean it). Her parents noted this too and said it was down to her guts (true) and her fearless attitude to jump in and try (also definitely true), but when I mentioned she has also been lucky to meet the right people at the right time and of course has had the balls to then grab the opportunities and run with them, they looked at me a bit funny. I didn't actually say that she had balls.. They seemed to think that luck had very little to do with it.
I didn't make much of it at the time, just felt confused as to why it seemed I had said something wrong. We all need a bit of luck. You can try as hard as you want, take all the right courses, read all the right books, but no one guarantees that you will get that break you deserve. Sometimes things just don't work out that way. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't get it all just right, cos that's life. Sometimes you have to make do with what you have, what you've managed to achieve and what you have been given, and run with that. It might in the end work out better than you expected, or it might not. Not all of us will become rich and happy and have beautiful homes and perfect children. Some of us lose jobs, lose family members, lose limbs.. And no matter how hard you try not everything is under your control.
To me, in this moment when the world seems to have gone completely insane, it gives some sort of strange relief thinking that I simply can't keep everything under control and that I'd better learn to live with it.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
An update long overdue.
Yeah, OK. A LOT of time has passed since the last time I wrote here and a lot of things have happened. In fact, so much time has passed that I barely remembered ever having written here, until someone kindly pointed out that they were waiting for an update! So it has been on my mind for a bit now and as the topic kept popping up from random people, I decided it was time to do something about it.
Maybe the biggest changes have been that I started studying again and I moved to another city. Not in that order. I became a university student again. I spend my mornings sitting with girls (yes, we are about 300 girls and maybe 4 boys) 10 years younger than me. Occasionally it drives me a little crazy listening to them, sometimes it makes me laugh, other times I get sad listening and observing them. More about that later, something is brewing in my head but this post is an update on my life, let's not get sidetracked!
I feel lucky. Most of all when I walk home alone in the evening after work or after a drink or two somewhere in the centre. I feel lucky to be living this dream that I had for so long. It wasn't the original dream but I think we all know most of the time the original dream we have for our lives changes many, many times along the road. New dreams come, some old go, sometimes they merge and sometimes life brings you into places that you didn't even dare to dream. I lived a dream in London and over those years. I feel incredibly lucky for the things I've gotten to experience. I dreamt in some amazing places, with some amazing people by my side. Some dreams I grew out of - I no longer want to save money to buy a horse, for example - some other dreams I had to give up on even though it was terribly hard. I lost the ability and will to dream when my fiancé died a bit over two years ago. Many of you know it, for some of you it might come as news. I felt pretty lost at that point, but fortunately he had given me some pointers on where to go if things were not to go the way we were planning. Destiny, maybe. For a long time he had been pushing me to go back to university so the need for something constructive to do, a reason for me to get out of bed in the morning, and his words at the back of my mind, I took the plunge and signed up for the entrance exam. And passed.
Here I am, studying early childhood education at university. I mostly love it, sometimes not so much. I live a life that leaves me very tired at the end of the day; I'm busy following lectures, going to work and at some point trying to study for exams. I have moved house again recently too, but fortunately that ordeal is behind me now; all the boxes are unpacked, except the ones that will probably remain unpacked until the next move.
Oh, and over the past year or so I've learned to dream again. My dreams are shy little creatures that are afraid of the sunlight, but they are there! Growing.
Maybe the biggest changes have been that I started studying again and I moved to another city. Not in that order. I became a university student again. I spend my mornings sitting with girls (yes, we are about 300 girls and maybe 4 boys) 10 years younger than me. Occasionally it drives me a little crazy listening to them, sometimes it makes me laugh, other times I get sad listening and observing them. More about that later, something is brewing in my head but this post is an update on my life, let's not get sidetracked!
I feel lucky. Most of all when I walk home alone in the evening after work or after a drink or two somewhere in the centre. I feel lucky to be living this dream that I had for so long. It wasn't the original dream but I think we all know most of the time the original dream we have for our lives changes many, many times along the road. New dreams come, some old go, sometimes they merge and sometimes life brings you into places that you didn't even dare to dream. I lived a dream in London and over those years. I feel incredibly lucky for the things I've gotten to experience. I dreamt in some amazing places, with some amazing people by my side. Some dreams I grew out of - I no longer want to save money to buy a horse, for example - some other dreams I had to give up on even though it was terribly hard. I lost the ability and will to dream when my fiancé died a bit over two years ago. Many of you know it, for some of you it might come as news. I felt pretty lost at that point, but fortunately he had given me some pointers on where to go if things were not to go the way we were planning. Destiny, maybe. For a long time he had been pushing me to go back to university so the need for something constructive to do, a reason for me to get out of bed in the morning, and his words at the back of my mind, I took the plunge and signed up for the entrance exam. And passed.
Here I am, studying early childhood education at university. I mostly love it, sometimes not so much. I live a life that leaves me very tired at the end of the day; I'm busy following lectures, going to work and at some point trying to study for exams. I have moved house again recently too, but fortunately that ordeal is behind me now; all the boxes are unpacked, except the ones that will probably remain unpacked until the next move.
Oh, and over the past year or so I've learned to dream again. My dreams are shy little creatures that are afraid of the sunlight, but they are there! Growing.
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