About being fragile

There is an animated video on Facebook of a couple that grow old together. Their life is full of hardships yet they maintain their love and find happiness in little things. At least that's what I think the video is trying to communicate. Lots of people have liked it and I can understand how people can see beauty in it.
I really struggled to watch it to the end. I feel like seeing something so sad  - to someone else it might just seem melancholic or even romantic! - could make me fall apart in an instant because I feel that pain. My heart literally aches for cartoon characters! Go figure..

It's easier not to go touching a scar that still hurts. It doesn't even have to be exactly the same feeling or experience that I've had. It's like as if I have in a way become super sensitive to all sorts of sadness and pain that I see. Call me a fool, but I prefer watching silly happy things with happy endings that lift me up or at least lull me into a soft fluffy happy feeling, cos the other kind of feelings are too hard and they scare me. A little "ping" of a spoon at the edge of a fine crystal glass and it might well shatter.

Better not go reading the news in these days.. that will just bring me down.

What's wrong with being lucky?

No excuses. I very rarely post anything here these days. I seem to be too tired, there is very little going on in my brain apart from concentrating on the next exam that is coming up. Ok, excuses but you decide if they are any good.

It's been a couple of weeks since the last exam (for) now and I think my brain is slowly starting to work again. Lots of random stuff is going on in my head; "I should look for a new job. What sort of job should I look for? Should I just not look for a new job for now and stick with it until uni is at a different point? I need to look for a place that will take me for a tirocinio. Must remember to buy litter for the bunny toilet before the pet shop closes for holidays..." Many many not-very-interesting thoughts.

Today I also had something slightly more interesting pop into my head: why is it so hard to admit that sometimes you need luck? A while ago I happened to meet the parents of a dear old friend who has managed to do very well in life so far (Yay! Couldn't be happier for her! And I really truly mean it). Her parents noted this too and said it was down to her guts (true) and her fearless attitude to jump in and try (also definitely true), but when I mentioned she has also been lucky to meet the right people at the right time and of course has had the balls to then grab the opportunities and run with them, they looked at me a bit funny. I didn't actually say that she had balls.. They seemed to think that luck had very little to do with it.

I didn't make much of it at the time, just felt confused as to why it seemed I had said something wrong. We all need a bit of luck. You can try as hard as you want, take all the right courses, read all the right books, but no one guarantees that you will get that break you deserve. Sometimes things just don't work out that way. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't get it all just right, cos that's life. Sometimes you have to make do with what you have, what you've managed to achieve and what you have been given, and run with that. It might in the end work out better than you expected, or it might not. Not all of us will become rich and happy and have beautiful homes and perfect children. Some of us lose jobs, lose family members, lose limbs.. And no matter how hard you try not everything is under your control.

To me, in this moment when the world seems to have gone completely insane, it gives some sort of strange relief thinking that I simply can't keep everything under control and that I'd better learn to live with it.

An update long overdue.

Yeah, OK. A LOT of time has passed since the last time I wrote here and a lot of things have happened. In fact, so much time has passed that I barely remembered ever having written here, until someone kindly pointed out that they were waiting for an update! So it has been on my mind for a bit now and as the topic kept popping up from random people, I decided it was time to do something about it.

Maybe the biggest changes have been that I started studying again and I moved to another city. Not in that order. I became a university student again. I spend my mornings sitting with girls (yes, we are about 300 girls and maybe 4 boys) 10 years younger than me. Occasionally it drives me a little crazy listening to them, sometimes it makes me laugh, other times I get sad listening and observing them. More about that later, something is brewing in my head but this post is an update on my life, let's not get sidetracked!

I feel lucky. Most of all when I walk home alone in the evening after work or after a drink or two somewhere in the centre. I feel lucky to be living this dream that I had for so long. It wasn't the original dream but I think we all know most of the time the original dream we have for our lives changes many, many times along the road. New dreams come, some old go, sometimes they merge and sometimes life brings you into places that you didn't even dare to dream. I lived a dream in London and over those years. I feel incredibly lucky for the things I've gotten to experience. I dreamt in some amazing places, with some amazing people by my side. Some dreams I grew out of - I no longer want to save money to buy a horse, for example -  some other dreams I had to give up on even though it was terribly hard. I lost the ability and will to dream when my fiancé died a bit over two years ago. Many of you know it, for some of you it might come as news. I felt pretty lost at that point, but fortunately he had given me some pointers on where to go if things were not to go the way we were planning. Destiny, maybe. For a long time he had been pushing me to go back to university so the need for something constructive to do, a reason for me to get out of bed in the morning, and his words at the back of my mind, I took the plunge and signed up for the entrance exam. And passed.

Here I am, studying early childhood education at university. I mostly love it, sometimes not so much. I live a life that leaves me very tired at the end of the day; I'm busy following lectures, going to work and at some point trying to study for exams. I have moved house again recently too, but fortunately that ordeal is behind me now; all the boxes are unpacked, except the ones that will probably remain unpacked until the next move.

Oh, and over the past year or so I've learned to dream again. My dreams are shy little creatures that are afraid of the sunlight, but they are there! Growing.

Finally a quiet evening at home..

I've been out so much in the last weeks! In fact it's been 3 weekends that I haven't stayed at home at all; I've been to Florence, Verona, a place called Lago di Mis and this past weekend Milan. Thank goodness this week Monday and Tuesday were free for Vappu, otherwise I would be even more tired.
It's been great doing loads of stuff and even the weather has been pretty good in the last couple of weekends, but sometimes it's nice to stay home with your own thoughts.

I will leave you with this spring photo from the aforementioned Lago di Mis. I will write a more comprehensive post about my latest travels once things calm down a little!

Far away from home

This Sunday we did a little mini trip around and found ourselves face to face with one of these creatures. I'm not kidding.

We were near Malcontenta, at the Fusina (Venice waterbus) stop when a couple of volunteer guard-type of people rocked up in their boat. Lo and behold they had this huge sea monster at the bottom of the boat! Apparently this unlucky fella might have followed one of the big cruise ships, thereby accidentally ending up in Venice, which really isn't the normal habitat of these turtles.

Being a smart girl, I did actually have my camera with me. The only problem is that I had forgotten to check if it has any battery left.. Of course the damned thing wouldn't even turn on! Therefore I have nicked the above photo from here. This might not be the exact same type of sea turtle. I didn't ask the poor animal for any sort of ID and I'm not a turtle expert. What I can however tell you, is that it was big. I mean big enough that it took a guard, a vet and an assistant to lift the turtle at the back of the vet's jeep.

I hope the turtle will be alright. The bucket was not quite big enough for it so I was feeling a bit worried for its fins (?).  If I hear anything, shall update you about any possible developments in the story.

Oh yeah and we also went to Asolo. A very nice little town with a cool castle and everything, but as for the lack of camera there are no photos to show. Oh bummer, I'll have to go there again! ;)

Carnevale di Venezia 2012

Here is a little photo post of this years carnival. The weather wasn't as fantastic as last year (it was snowing!) but that was probably good as there also weren't as many people around this time.

This is where I stayed; Hotel ai Mori d'Oriente

At Piazza San Marco there was a wine fountain.
Looks quite Buffy to me..

There were masked people...

.

...the necessary "street view"...

And then, as we were about to leave, we saw this old monster!
Pretty cool.

Stay tuned...

I'm thinking of putting together a little post about stuff to see and do in Rome. So far this is just an idea, but if my lessons keep getting cancelled, who knows I might actually get it done!

My inner Bridget

Yeah, it's been a while since I've posted anything. I should say nothing has happened and there has been nothing to report, but it's not entirely true. The problem is, I don't really have any inspiration for writing about the stuff now.

Instead, I'm gonna tell you how today I have channelled my inner Bridget Jones.

I was just innocently watching America's Got Talent videos on Youtube (oh, they are so much better than the talented people I've seen on the Finnish version!) but then this Dolce&Gabbana Sport perfume ad comes on. You can see what I'm talking about here. Hello!
It's a sunny day outside, the spring has arrived, and here I am, in bed, in my long sleeved pyjama (that is to say it's not exactly the prettiest one I own) and I'm thinking: "I'd like some of that!".

Yeah right.

Then I realise that my hair is a mess, I have yesterday's mascara on my cheeks and my tummy is rumbling like I haven't eaten for a year. Supermarket own brand rice cereal for breakfast with full fat milk.

I love my life.

Happy New Year!

Yes, I know it's already February, but I really don't know where the last month has gone. I certainly haven't been doing anything very exciting or interesting.
Some news I do have however: I will be going to Finland again for 3 weeks at the end of this month. I'm quite excited about it, but I'll tell you more about it later. I'm also excited about the Venice Carnival, particularly for reasons related to food! (See last years posts). There are some other exciting things happening too, but for now they shall remain secrets. I will share as soon as I'm good and ready, thank you very much.

All my friends seem to be procreating - and it's not even Valentine's Day yet! I'm of course over the moon about this. Babies smell lovely and the best part is that I don't need stay up in the night with them because they don't belong to me. This has also given me a really good excuse to start knitting again. Since the New Year I've so far completed 2 pairs of booties, a blanket, and a pair of socks for myself. Around Christmas I also made a really cool pair of felted gloves for a friend, they have definitely come in handy in the last weeks with the "cold wind from Siberia" sweeping across Italy. In fact they say tonight it should start snowing even here. The south has already been covered with snow earlier this week.

And that's about it, I think. This weekend I might go to Venice, assuming the weather permits. Expect to hear some carnival related news after that!

Less than 10 days to Christmas!

Decorations at the Christmas market in Bassano del Grappa

I love this season. I love the candles, the smell of oranges and clementines, the hustle and bustle of people looking for just the right present for someone important. I don't of course love the bad weather - and it is bad weather since there is still no sign of snow! - but I'm willing to ignore the damp, miserable darkness outside because it is what makes all the warmth and light inside look so much nicer.   It's funny how this silly little city that I really didn't like in the beginning (and now I can say it!) is starting to feel like home. It's growing on me. At least on some days!

I'm excited about going home to Finland on Monday. I will have a stop over in Rome for one night before flying to Helsinki. I have had very little work this week and but I still haven't managed to do much shopping for presents, but that's mostly because I'm really fussy and I would like to spend far too much money on the presents for the family. Unfortunately with the current work situation I've had to slightly control that urge. It might just be that this Christmas the presents will be Balsamic Vinegar, Extra Virgin oil and Panettone for the whole lot...

The news papers are writing about schools turning Christmas celebrations into Winter celebrations and banning things that are in any way related to the true reason of why we celebrate Christmas. The other day I called a call centre in the UK for something or another, and at the end of the call I found myself searching for the politically correct way to wish the very helpful young man at the other end a peaceful Christmas. I ended up wishing him happy holidays, but somehow it's just not the same. I want to wish people happy Christmas, because it is Christmas. At another time of the year I have no problem with my friends wishing me a happy Eid or Hanukkah or whatever celebration is important to them. We also wish each other Happy Halloween, which is essentially a pagan celebration, although having written my dissertation partly on the topic, I know probably better than a lot of people how complex the history of that particular holiday is.. Well, leaving that can of worms unopened for now, the point is that throughout the year we send wishes to our loved ones and friends for all sorts of reasons and events, whether they are culturally, religiously, or historically "ours".

Christmas belongs to everyone and even if you are not a Christian, I would still like to send you my best Christmas wishes, since there is never too much love in our lives.

A guy making personalised baubles and other glass decorations in Bassano

Another sleepless night

Nights full of emptiness.

I miss you, I can hear you,

yet you are too far

and silent screams fill my head.

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Happy Independence day Finland! I know I'm a little late but I assure you I didn't forget; I went to work dressed as the flag (read: dressed in blue and white) and even had a nice dinner to celebrate the occasion. Now I'm just counting days for going home to Helsinki.

Bassano and pastries

Merry-go-round and an unsuspecting little girl in Bassano

Today I went to visit Bassano which apparently is very famous for its grappa. Grappa is not really my cup of tea, so to speak, but the town was nice. It's full of chocolate shops, cafes, and now coming up to Christmas, there is also the mandatory Mercatino di Natale with a merry-go-round and mulled wine. The landscape there is beautifully non-flat, which makes me unreasonably happy, and in fact I liked the atmosphere in the town so much that I would not be entirely opposed to even living there one day.

Plastic ice!

There was an ice rink too, except that you can imagine my shock as I went closer to look at this wonder, and realised that the ice wasn't actually ice but plastic! I can assure you I have never seen that before. People skating on plastic ice... Only in Italy!

We took a cup of hot chocolate from this lovely little chocolate shop near the old bridge. I would have taken a photo of the shop but didn't quite have the courage to do so, so I only took a pic of the sign. If you ever find yourself in Bassano, this place does good cioccolata calda da passeggiata (hot chocolate for walking). It tasted a lot like my mum's home made suklaakiisseli (choc pudding), and was marginally more runny than the usual Italian hot chocolate which you have to eat with a spoon (as I have already previously described in some post...) but this "walking hot chocolate" is still nothing like the hot chocolate we are used to in other countries. I'm actually starting to think that all these years my mum has been making Italian hot chocolate without even knowing it. Oh and even today I also had ice cream too. The unholy combination of hot and cold chocolate all in one day!

When I came home it seems I still hadn't had my dose of calories and sugar, so I set about making some prune jam and Finnish joulutorttu Christmas pastries. And then I ate them all. (Ok, I didn't make a huge amount of them, but still!)

A lovely chocolate shop in Bassano

Joulutorttuja

Nightime blues

Tuna and sour cream pie

I had a pretty nice day today. Only one hour of work, a cup of tea with a student/friend, a lift home from work and a bit of silly jamming to the car stereo, and in the end even a little bit of baking; I made a tuna and sour cream pie (the recipe can be found here) and it turned out pretty good.

Still, at night when everyone else is sleeping and I have time for my own thoughts without no distractions these blues really creep in and I don't know how to stop them. I guess I can't and maybe I don't even have to. In these moments I miss being able to call him.

Feis Fever!

Last Monday it was my Birthday. Thank you to all of you who remembered! (and those of you who didn't remember: shame on you!! Just kidding!) It was definitely a much better birthday than last year, when I spent the day at airports travelling to my new "home" Italy. The weather was disgusting too; when I arrived here it was dark cold and rainy and the area had just been suffering from some semi-serious flooding. This year instead the whole week before was sunny and bright, even unusually crisp considering the humidity which normally completely dominates the weather in this area. After my birthday it's been really foggy though. There you go, that is the weather report done!

Under 17s Champions' parade

The more interesting stuff follows: the Mainland European Oireachtas 2011 are in Milan this weekend, and obviously I couldn't not go. For those of you (read: the large majority of you) who don't know what Oireachtas is, it's basically the local (i.e. European, N-American, Irish..) championships of Irish dancing, which is also a qualifying competition for the World Championships. Irish dancing is a whole different thing from anything you might imagine. I mean, yeah, there are some people in elven-style dresses skipping around beautifully, but the other side of it is the flashy neon coloured glitter dresses and huge wigs. And everything MUST sparkle! It's great though.

This beauty won the U17 category

It has been some years now since I stopped dancing but listening to the music and watching dancers compete for a good 9 hours yesterday left me feeling like dancing too. Trust me, 9 hours (and I arrived late and left early!!) of watching non stop Irish dancing is not an easy thing to do. I really feel for those adjudicators! Let alone the musicians, because don't forget that this is all done to live music. As a result when I was sitting on the train and starting to doze off, I closed my eyes and dreamed girls in glittery pyjamas with huge wigs. When I opened my eyes had left a wig on the seat next to the girl on the opposite side of the aisle! Except then I realised it was her brown woollen scarf... I also noticed that my hands (which used to do this when I was still training) started to do the steps to the music that was still playing in my head. This is one of the main indicators how to recognise an Irish dancer. Play some danceable music and see if his/her hands start moving (provided that full out dancing is out of the question). While I was waiting for the tram outside the station - and therefore my feet were free to move - I started repeating the steps of the Blackbird and when I got to the lift it was damned near that I brought the whole thing to a halt, not to mention wake the whole building up, because I couldn't resist trying a few trebles on the soft carpet (as if to keep the noise down, you see). Old habits clearly die hard! It's as if an ex-smoker has even one cigarette. This Feis day pushed me right over the edge again.

Happy winners

One team preparing for their figure

I apologise for the lack of good photos. Only a silly girl goes to a Feis without charging the camera battery... But the photographing during dancing is not allowed anyway. You can click on the photos to see a bigger version.
P.S: If you find that it is your photo here and you don't want it to be on the blog, let me know and I'll take it down!

Cake image: YaiSirichai / FreeDigitalPhotos.net, other photos are mine. Please don't copy without asking!

Savoury treats

The trees outside my window have lost their leaves over the past week. Oh the sadness! And it happened so fast too. Now when I wake up I see the gray sky, clouds so thick you could cut out a slice like I did yesterday with this pie I made:

Pie!

It's a ham, red pepper and cheese pie and it was pretty nice! The recipe can be found here, but it's in Finnish so if you need a translation, let me know!

This blog is not and never will be a cooking blog because I'm a sporadic kitchen user even at best, but this gray weather is making me want to eat comfort food and other things apart from only pasta. The other evening my flatmate came home a little late and asked if I wanted to share an omelet with her. She made a really nice one with potatoes and cheese and I don't quite know what. Maybe one day I will ask her to share her secret with me. I, on the other hand, had seen a recipe on my friend's food blog for some pecorino and cumin sticks that seemed really simple and quick and easy enough not to get wrong, so I decided to try making them to accompany the omelet. In the end we shared the omelet and the sticks with all the flatmates and both were a great success. The recipe for the pecorino and cumin sticks is here and I recommend you take a look around the site because there are some yummy looking recipes there! (again: it is in Finnish, translations available upon request!)

And finally here is a link to a pie video that I quite like.

I, the metereopatica

London came and went. I had a brilliant time - thank you to all of you who did fun stuff with me, cried and laughed with me, and a special thank you to those of you who offered me a place to sleep! Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me so I can't show you any photos, but I can tell you the city has changed so much even in just the 12 months since my last visit. Everything is being spruced up for the Olympics, I nearly didn't even recognize my old hood in East London.

I did a ton of stuff; Sunday morning started with a Classical Coffee Morning concert at Royal Albert hall. It's basically a cup of tea/coffee, a pastry and some live music. My friend introduced me to this thing about a year ago (thank you!) when I last went to London and I'm glad it's still going on because it's a really nice way to start a Sunday.  After that we had a little stroll around the Victoria and Albert Museum, which is currently hosting an exhibition on Postmodernism. The grand finale of my week was an out-of-control shopping spree that lasted a good two days - I literally went to a bar (or several of them) with all my shopping bags, miraculously not losing anything, and continued shopping the next day as soon as I managed to get myself moving again.

The school observation at the East Barnet School was really interesting and I enjoyed my week probably more than I expected. There are some interesting differences in the school systems as far as I can see, but I think that is something I will not get into in this post. Maybe I'll write a whole post dedicated to it at some point.

Autumn has definitely arrived in Italy now. For the past couple of days it has been raining a lot and I have learned a new word metereopatica meaning a person whose mood is heavily affected by the weather. I have self-diagnosed myself as such a person. These rainy days leave me feeling blue, full of regrets and feeling - even more than normally - like I've lost a huge part of myself. I don't how to overcome this sadness and to be quite honest maybe I'm not yet ready to do so either. However, it's not all doom and gloom and tears; there are days and moments when things seem a little lighter and easier than even a month ago.

On Sunday I visited the local IKEA and went a little crazy with all the wonderful Christmas things they already had on display. It's high time too! Those of you who have worked with me before I moved to Italy, know that I would gladly start listening to Christmas carols and decorate everything already in October. That said, it is hardly a surprise that I ended up buying gingerbread smelling tea lights, a Christmas-red rug, glögi and some gingerbread to bring home. Now I can organise a pikkujoulu (a very Finnish pre-Christmas party) for me and my flatmates! I love coming home from work in the evening and opening my door. I put some tea lights on top of the radiators so that as I open the door and step on my christmassy rug, I can already smell gingerbread even before lighting the candles.

I'm wishing you all warm woolen socks and hot cups of tea for these autumn evenings.

Image: pixtawan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image: think4photop / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A big hug and a thank you

The point of my last night's rant was not to attack my friends. I was questioning the behaviour of certain individuals, some of whom are involved in my life and some of whom I have just been watching from a distance.

To friends and family who are and have been helping and supporting me: I really appreciate it. I was not looking to make you feel guilty. Unfortunately it seems that those of you who have actually nothing to feel bad about, worry that I'm upset with you, where as the people who could mostly benefit from my rant are blissfully ignorant that I have even ever ranted.

Just to make it really clear: guys (you know who you are), thank you. I would be a far bigger mess without you. I hope one day I will be able to pay you back one way or another.

Baci

Compassion in action

In the past weeks something has really been bugging me; it seems that the more people have resources or the more influential they are, the less willing they are to help. Yes, many people have given me their condolences or good advice: "try not to stay alone too much, we are here for you" but the moment these beautiful words have left their mouth they are already forgotten. Let alone if you actually have a real problem that you need real help with, people run like you've just been hit with a sudden case of the Black Death. Compassion, it seems to me, too often reaches no deeper than our lips.

Only those, who have very little or nothing themselves, are willing to give. This real compassion is rare but it exists. I have seen it in action. A member of my family has had some health issues and I've watched, green with envy, how his friends have stepped up for him, helping with little practical things when us - the family - are too far to run the errands for him while he is getting better.

I've seen near strangers holding back tears of compassion, offering whatever help they can give to me, while people I hoped would stand by me were too busy buying concert tickets or going to Zumba (figuratively speaking of course, I'm not against anyone's Zumba lessons).

I've seen friends and strangers pulling together to help an entire family. I was lucky enough to be one of the people who helped, even if in a very small way, an entire family in need. I wasn't able to do anything huge. Maybe the most valuable thing I gave was my time and attention, but at the end of the day, people who I had only just met, helped me in return in a way that left me thinking: who ended up helping who here?

Why is it so hard to help a friend in need? Why, when someone has a problem and needs real help, those who would have the means to do something about it, turn their back? Is it that those who have never needed help don't understand the need to help anyone else? God protect me from becoming so blind to other people's needs.

Last rays of the summer sun

So, I'm back in Italy, in fact I've been back already the best part of a month but I've needed to take some time for myself and haven't really been feeling like posting anything here. I just honestly didn't know what to say.

Life is still in a turmoil, everything is open and I don't quite know what to do or how to do it. There are good days and bad days, and then there are days when I barely get out of my pyjamas. However the sun is still shining here and even though evenings and nights are getting colder, the days are still nice and warm. I think it has been really good for me to take it easy in these past weeks, walk around a little, and soak up the last rays of the summer sun.

Work is quiet, I've made an effort in looking for some new private students and I think things will start picking up in October anyway. The next big thing to look forward to is a week long trip to London October, that should do a world of good for my mood even if it will probably have quite the opposite effect on my bank balance...

I will try to start updating here again once I figure out my life a little. I want to thank you for the support I have been getting and am still getting from you guys. I need it and I appreciate it.

This is what I'd like to say...

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


Funeral blues by W.H. Auden

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Fermate tutti gli orologi, staccate la cornetta,
date al cane un osso succulento prima che si metta
ad abbaiare, zittite i pianoforti e al cupo segnale
del tamburo portate fuori il feretro, parta il funerale.

Alti gli aeroplani s’avvitino con voce di sconforto
scarabocchiando in cielo la notizia: E’ Morto.
Mettete un nastro nero al collo bianco d’ogni piccione,
fate indossare ai vigili guanti neri di cotone.

Era il mio nord, il mio sud, il mio ovest, il mio est,
la mia settimana di lavoro e il mio giorno di festa,
il mio meriggio, la mia notte, la mia parola, il mio canto.
Sbagliai a pensare eterno quest’amore – ora so quanto.

Le stelle non servono più: spegnetele una a una;
smontate il sole e imballate la luna;
strappate le selve e scolate tutto il mare.
Nessun piacere potrà mai tornare.


Blues in memoriam di W. H. Auden
(traduzione di Nicola Gardini)